Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Okay...  I think I'm ready to get back to the blog world.  I'm going to beat a couple dead horses, but bear with me, as I need to get things off my chest.

So, Curt and I mutually agreed it's time to start back up with Dukan.  We had decided if he hit a certain point, that would be it.  And he hit that point yesterday.  So as of yesterday, we are back on Dukan.  We were attempting our attack phase, but I didn't have anything in the house that I could pop into my mouth and I was STARVING, so I ate a bowl of soup.  Of course, eggs still gross me out so breakfast is still a huge issue for me.

Ok, I have 3 things I'm going to write about.

#1. A dead horse.  Stupid beer.  I haven't had any hard liquor since June, so that's a huge start for me, but beer still is.  I know, I've talked about it before.  I feel like I'm constantly justifying why I drink so much...  the kids drive me nuts, my ex-husband is an a-hole, my back is killing me, etc.  The only remotely legitimate reason is the back ache and even then, it's stupid.  I say that after I spent 6 hours hunched over a sewing machine today.  Now, I'm sitting bundled on the couch after a hot shower with a hot pad on my back.  It's working. A little.  But no beer!!  Beer/ alcohol is killing me.  I have HORRIBLE heartburn, to the point I can hardly eat (makes me wonder why I'm gaining weight).  I am stubborn and obstinate when drinking.  I have a really loose tongue when I'm drinking and I say mean things I would normally never say.  I'm REALLY emotional when I'm drinking. Not to mention, I'm gaining back the weight rapidly.  So beer really needs to go.  I think I'm going to write a letter to my pastor tomorrow about, seeking help.

#2. Hey look! Another dead horse.  My mother....  she tries her hardest to make me feel like crap.  I was having a business issue about a month ago.  I have a business on ebay and someone complained about my shipping and handling  charges being too high.  So ebay and paypal froze my funds (over $1000) and I couldn't get my money til the items arrived or I was left positive feedback.  My soon to be sister in law asked me how business was going so I was telling my family about this and my mom says to me, "Good grief..  what did you do wrong this time?  I'm sure you did something wrong to make this happen!"  The rest of my family just sat there looking at her.  What do I say to this?  That's just one thing.  We've had a couple knock down drag outs in the past 2 months.  I'm just choosing to distance myself from her and communicate only when absolutely necessary.  Seems to work out better.  But she says things like this to me and I rarely respond.  And when I finally reach a breaking point (because a person can only take so much), I snap.  I've been told at least 5 times this year by my mother that they walk on egg shells around me so I don't get mad at them and don't talk to them.  Ummmm....  BULLSHIT! In fact, I think she sits around at night and writes down mean and hurtful things to say to me.

#3.  This week, we are on a "fiscal fast"- meaning, we aren't spending money.  We kind of did this spur of the moment so we couldn't be as good about this as we want (we had to buy gas today).  But this is our first time and next time, we'll be better prepared for it.  And we're only doing it 4 and a half days.  My son is going to state in Cross Country this season and we're going up north to watch him run in his meet.  We obviously have to spend money on this.  So, we are planning to do this once every 2 months.  We always have a ton of food in our frig and freezers and pantry.  Gas may be an issue.  Curt has been working in Boise this month.  That's a 50 mile round trip 5 times a week.  On fiscal fast week, if he's still working away from home, car pooling is necessary.  I think that possibly that needs to happen anyways.  Fiscal fast makes us think out our meals better, makes us reevaluate how much driving we want to do, and for next fiscal fast, I think I'm going to push to have our bikes fixed and ride bikes around if we need to go out.  It's been weird.  We have to go every day to feed and let a dog out.  We go and come home.  We normally go buy something.  Not this week.  But..  business purchases don't count.  I have to buy shipping labels every day and fabric occasionally.  Should be interesting.  We'll see how the next one goes.

Now we start Dukan again.  I wasn't so good today.  I'm going to say start tomorrow, but even tho I wasn't good today, I wasn't as bad as normal.  Curt has been good the past 2 days.  He has a goal of being down another 50 lbs. by his birthday, March 11.  Very doable.  And we really need to start working out again.  This may sound like lame excuse, but it's my super busy time of the year, so we'll start November 1.     

October 12, 2012

It's been a long time since I've posted.  I'm not sure what my problem is.  I'm constantly crying.  Constantly pissy.  I've put on 18 stupid pounds that make me feel like a damn failure.  I look at myself and want to vomit. 

Sunday, August 26, 2012

CURT:  TOTAL LOSS:  81.8 lbs

JAMIE: TOTAL LOSS: 18.4 lbs

Curt again...  still dropping and I'm still thrilled for him. 

Me... as usual I'm stalled.  But I'm taking this week seriously.  I'm following MY diet to a T (which means Curt is too).  We're not alternating PP and PV days.  It's summer and the fresh veggies are pouring in.  My mom is constantly giving me zucchini, cucumbers, peppers, eggplant, tomatoes, green beans.  I can't pass those up, and I feel really guilty when they go bad.  So this week...  I'd like to work out every day at least an hour.  It's still too dang hot here to run outside, so to the gym, Batman.  I have a goal:  I weighed in at 161.8 lbs this morning.  I've been as low as 152.6 on June 23.  I'm not planning on getting that low in one week, but I'd like to see 155 lbs by next Sunday, but I'd even be happy with 157 lbs.  I would also like to see Curt down to 85 lbs lost.  And he doesn't know this yet, but I'd like him to 100 lbs lost by Halloween.

Sadly, most of the time, how we eat, if we exercise, hinges all on my moods.  I get stupid cravings and have to go eat to a drive thru and eat a large french fry at midnight.... AFTER I'VE BEEN GOOD ALL DAY LONG!  And of course I drag Curt down with me.  I always feel really guilty about it.

So on to a good week!

BREAKFAST:
C and J: egg and chorizo

LUNCH:
C and J: HUGE salad

DINNER:
C and J: grilled steak w/ horseradish sauce (horseradish, FF sour cream and dry dill) and sliced cucumbers and tomatoes 

DRINKS:
C: 2 quarts of water, 44 oz. diet Pepsi, 1/2 can diet orange soda
J: 4 quarts of water, 44 oz. diet Pepsi (altho I had several kids helping me out), 1/2 can diet orange soda

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

CURT:     8/15- TOTAL weight loss: 72.6 lbs
                8/16- TOTAL weight loss: 76.8 lbs
                8/17- TOTAL weight loss: 77.0 lbs
                8/18- TOTAL weight loss: 77.2 lbs
                8/19- TOTAL weight loss: 79.0 lbs
                8/20- TOTAL weight loss: 79.0 lbs
                8/21- TOTAL weight loss: 80.6 lbs
JAMIE:   8/15- TOTAL weight loss: 16.6 lbs
                8/16- TOTAL weight loss: 18.6 lbs
                8/17- TOTAL weight loss: 18.6 lbs
                8/18- TOTAL weight loss: 18.0 lbs
                8/19- TOTAL weight loss: 16.8 lbs
                8/20- TOTAL weight loss: 17.6 lbs
                8/21- TOTAL weight loss: 19.8 lbs

Curt is at an all new low!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy and excited for him!!

That said...  I SUCK!!!  And I have no idea why!  I'm am following my menus to a T!  I was down to over 25 lbs lost and now...  I'm up and I can't do anything to get it off.

We obviously were off the diet for awhile.  Want to hear all my excuses why??  I didn't think so.  So be aware..  we were naughty, but back on track now.  It really helps that all the kids started back up to school this week.  

Friday, July 27, 2012

JAMIE:
Yesterday's weight: 156.0 lbs
Today's weight: 154.4 lbs
TOTAL LOSS:  25.8 lbs
Loss this week: 7 lbs (in the past 4 days!!)

CURT:
TOTAL LOSS:  77.0 lbs  (that's a new low!)

I hope that my number is not screwed up too bad tomorrow.  I made my breakfast- oat bran porridge- and COULD NOT eat it.  It seriously made me gag.  And I did the same thing yesterday on the eggs we had for breakfast.  I'm going to have to find something for breakfast that works for me.  Maybe I should make more dinner and eat the leftovers for breakfast.  I just don't know, but I'll figure something out.  Anyhow, we were up and running this morning.  We had to drop one kid off at summer school, pick up another (who was in a pissy mood this morning, I might add) from her friend's house so she could go to work for Curt's dad, and then pick up yet another kid from the church camp bus stop.  All in an hour and all over this town.  This morning I woke up at 7 (3 hours before my alarm was to go off) and was parched.  I had a Diet Cherry Pepsi sitting next to the bed, so I guzzled most of it down.  10 minutes later, I was in the bathroom vomiting it back up.  Maybe that's some of the reason the porridge just wouldn't go down?  Who knows?  So we rushed out and I was starving.  I had to break down and get something, which ended up being a BLT Subway sandwich that I split with Curt.  OMG...  it was tasty.  And it stayed down.  We'll be good for the rest of the day.  I have meatballs in marinara sauce planned for dinner tonight.  

It's nice to see my number dropping finally.  I was having a rough couple of weeks there.  And Curt finally saw movement and a new low, and he's been very well behaved, except for an occasional handful of peanut (that I'm not going to buy any more of because of this!).  

Ok, to work I go!

Thursday, July 26, 2012

JAMIE:
7/20/12: 161.0 lbs
7/21/12: 158.6 lbs
7/22/12: 160.6 lbs
7/23/12: ?
7/24/12: 161.4 lbs
7/25/12: 159.6 lbs
7/26/12: 156.0 lbs
TOTAL LOSS TO DATE: 24.2 lbs

CURT:
TOTAL LOSS TO DATE: 76.8 lbs

I'm seeing progress.  Finally!  Nothing huge to talk about.  I'm still irritated (see yesterday's post), but that's it. 

I was going through all of our weight loss records.  I realize that I must cheat ALOT!  I know I do, but crap, I eat so much better than I did, that I can't believe I'm not losing more than I am.  I really have just been consistently sitting around 157 lbs.  On the other hand, it makes me wonder it I was easily on a path to gaining ALOT of weight and that I just nipped it in the bud?  I sadly think that it was the latter.  Curt is 4 lbs from another huge goal.  He is behaving quite well, while I'm not really.  So we're hoping that he hits this goal by the end of next week.  It's fairly reasonable as long as we stick to what we've been doing the past week. 

I will be honest, we have not been doing the PP/ PV rotation religiously.  We've been following PV consistently.  The reason: it's summer, we have TONS fresh veggies and I hate the idea of any of my veggies going bad just because it's not a PV day.  So, until the fresh veggies are all gone, we'll probably be doing PV days. 

My vent...

I guess I was just waiting for an erupting point.  Hey!  Guess what?!?!  Just got there. This has nothing to do with the diet.  Just me getting a bunch of crap off my chest because I refuse to use Facebook like that.  So...  here goes.  And I apologize.  This will probably be long and all over the place. 

I'm going to start with my ex-husband.  I've been really struggling with this issue.  At church on Sunday, the pastor addressed the issue of "love your neighbor."  He also said that Jesus said to be at peace as much as possible with everyone.  I'm paraphrasing there, obviously, but really...  it's common sense.  Anyhow...  I've been really fighting with myself about, when it comes to my ex-husband, I need to get over stuff, forgive/ ask for forgiveness and all that jazz.  I was right there on Sunday afternoon.  I promise.  I prayed about it and everything.  And then...  my kids came home on Monday.  That is when I heard all about his new wife and some of the crap she's been pulling.  They've been married barely a month.  I've never met her, seen her once (and I will have to say, selfishly...  she has a huge ass).  Well...  she is 45 (my ex is 38) and has 2 kids.  One of those kids is a drug addict, had a little girl that she didn't take care, so the new wife has adopted her grand daughter (3 years old).  She moves in, takes over the frickin' place, not too surprising really.  Well, apparently, Berlyn, my youngest (8 years old), gets blamed for everything that this 3 year old does.  Briyanna told me Berlyn cries all the time over there because she is always in trouble.  THAT IS FRUSTRATING.  ALOT!  Then new wife says to Briyanna, "Well... I don't have anything against your mom, but.. "  Briyanna said at that point she said a bunch of crap.  I told her to tell new wife that she doesn't know me and to quit repeating crap to her that her butt-hurt husband fed her.  I'm not sure what else to say to her/ them.  I don't want to cause a fight.  But shit....  I sure don't want to sit here and take it either.  Here is my huge problem with this whole thing.  I KNOW that I ended my marriage, that I chose to do things wrong.  But I also know that he was at fault too.  I'm not going to go into all of that.  It's neither here nor there.  Just know that he was not the perfect husband that he tries to tell people that he was.  Anyhow, this all made me pretty mad, but I was still ready to try to make peace.  Maybe.  So...  today...  Ethan did some work for Curt's dad and got paid by a check.  Last time he did this, we went to cash the check and it was an issue so we opened a checking account for him.  I kept looking for his new debit card in he mail and never got, altho I got my guardian debit card several weeks ago.  So we go in and try to cash or deposit the check he got this morning.  Seriously..  30 minutes of fighting with them.  I had my card and they couldn't get his account to work.  Come to find out, his debit card was mailed to his dad's house, despite me going to the bank at least half a dozen times in the past 6 months asking to change the addresses on ALL accounts.  Then, found out the ex called the bank, pretended he was Ethan, gave them Ethan's social security number and birthday, and told them he wanted to shut down his checking account.  And he also canceled Brenna's cash card that came to his house.  I really can't begin to tell you how angry I am right now.  I'm almost to that point of wanting to call in and cancel one of his accounts.  But I won't go that low.  Crap, I'm livid.  I can't even put into words how mad I am. 

Next subject, my brother...  This isn't going to be a huge vent.  At least I don't think so!  My brother, divorced in June, is dating a much younger woman.  He is 42, she is 26.  But..  I love the new girlfriend!  I've known my brother's exwife since I was in 4th grade, so...  26 years!  His ex-wife is being a bitch, his youngest son is being an ass.  I'm so tired of all these people. So...  new girlfriend..  she's pregnant.  4 months pregnant!  I'm really okay with all of this.  My parents, on the other hand, are not!  I hear everything from my dad and then my mom won't say a single word.   But I know she is stewing.  So I just pretend nothing is wrong and all but throw the new girlfriend in my mom's face.  She's pregnant, needs our support.  Honestly, I'm over all of this.  Wish my mom was.

Last subject...  Curt's family.  UGH!!!  I'll try to make this quick.  His sister had a birthday party for her daughter, his niece.  His sister invited his son (while he was at our house) and his ex-wife.  Ummmm....  is it just me or was this a little screwed up?  It's like my ex's brother inviting me and the kids to a birthday party instead of him and the kids.  Once it was addressed, they all (sister and Curt's mom) said that they couldn't uninvite Curt's ex-wife.  They did this last year too.  Okay...  it makes total sense to not piss off the ex-wife versus the new wife and brother???  OMG...  it still makes my blood boil!  And then, they invite us to a birthday party this weekend.  I totally don't want to go.  I feel like a damn after thought at this point.  Invite the fucking ex-wife, for all I care...  They do a damn good job of making me feel like I'm Curt's baggage. Thank goodness he doesn't look at me that way! I sadly want to cancel at the very last minute.  I won't.  But I want to. 
And then there's his ex-wife...  she...  is...  priceless!  We're trying to sell the old house, but she has to sign papers.  Surprise, surprise...  she won't!  And oh... there's more, but she's not worth wasting my breath on.  She and my ex should find themselves on a ship and sail away!

If I used Facebook as a soap box, my status would be:

I HATE EVERYONE!