Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Okay...  I think I'm ready to get back to the blog world.  I'm going to beat a couple dead horses, but bear with me, as I need to get things off my chest.

So, Curt and I mutually agreed it's time to start back up with Dukan.  We had decided if he hit a certain point, that would be it.  And he hit that point yesterday.  So as of yesterday, we are back on Dukan.  We were attempting our attack phase, but I didn't have anything in the house that I could pop into my mouth and I was STARVING, so I ate a bowl of soup.  Of course, eggs still gross me out so breakfast is still a huge issue for me.

Ok, I have 3 things I'm going to write about.

#1. A dead horse.  Stupid beer.  I haven't had any hard liquor since June, so that's a huge start for me, but beer still is.  I know, I've talked about it before.  I feel like I'm constantly justifying why I drink so much...  the kids drive me nuts, my ex-husband is an a-hole, my back is killing me, etc.  The only remotely legitimate reason is the back ache and even then, it's stupid.  I say that after I spent 6 hours hunched over a sewing machine today.  Now, I'm sitting bundled on the couch after a hot shower with a hot pad on my back.  It's working. A little.  But no beer!!  Beer/ alcohol is killing me.  I have HORRIBLE heartburn, to the point I can hardly eat (makes me wonder why I'm gaining weight).  I am stubborn and obstinate when drinking.  I have a really loose tongue when I'm drinking and I say mean things I would normally never say.  I'm REALLY emotional when I'm drinking. Not to mention, I'm gaining back the weight rapidly.  So beer really needs to go.  I think I'm going to write a letter to my pastor tomorrow about, seeking help.

#2. Hey look! Another dead horse.  My mother....  she tries her hardest to make me feel like crap.  I was having a business issue about a month ago.  I have a business on ebay and someone complained about my shipping and handling  charges being too high.  So ebay and paypal froze my funds (over $1000) and I couldn't get my money til the items arrived or I was left positive feedback.  My soon to be sister in law asked me how business was going so I was telling my family about this and my mom says to me, "Good grief..  what did you do wrong this time?  I'm sure you did something wrong to make this happen!"  The rest of my family just sat there looking at her.  What do I say to this?  That's just one thing.  We've had a couple knock down drag outs in the past 2 months.  I'm just choosing to distance myself from her and communicate only when absolutely necessary.  Seems to work out better.  But she says things like this to me and I rarely respond.  And when I finally reach a breaking point (because a person can only take so much), I snap.  I've been told at least 5 times this year by my mother that they walk on egg shells around me so I don't get mad at them and don't talk to them.  Ummmm....  BULLSHIT! In fact, I think she sits around at night and writes down mean and hurtful things to say to me.

#3.  This week, we are on a "fiscal fast"- meaning, we aren't spending money.  We kind of did this spur of the moment so we couldn't be as good about this as we want (we had to buy gas today).  But this is our first time and next time, we'll be better prepared for it.  And we're only doing it 4 and a half days.  My son is going to state in Cross Country this season and we're going up north to watch him run in his meet.  We obviously have to spend money on this.  So, we are planning to do this once every 2 months.  We always have a ton of food in our frig and freezers and pantry.  Gas may be an issue.  Curt has been working in Boise this month.  That's a 50 mile round trip 5 times a week.  On fiscal fast week, if he's still working away from home, car pooling is necessary.  I think that possibly that needs to happen anyways.  Fiscal fast makes us think out our meals better, makes us reevaluate how much driving we want to do, and for next fiscal fast, I think I'm going to push to have our bikes fixed and ride bikes around if we need to go out.  It's been weird.  We have to go every day to feed and let a dog out.  We go and come home.  We normally go buy something.  Not this week.  But..  business purchases don't count.  I have to buy shipping labels every day and fabric occasionally.  Should be interesting.  We'll see how the next one goes.

Now we start Dukan again.  I wasn't so good today.  I'm going to say start tomorrow, but even tho I wasn't good today, I wasn't as bad as normal.  Curt has been good the past 2 days.  He has a goal of being down another 50 lbs. by his birthday, March 11.  Very doable.  And we really need to start working out again.  This may sound like lame excuse, but it's my super busy time of the year, so we'll start November 1.     

October 12, 2012

It's been a long time since I've posted.  I'm not sure what my problem is.  I'm constantly crying.  Constantly pissy.  I've put on 18 stupid pounds that make me feel like a damn failure.  I look at myself and want to vomit.