So.... this is a "Come to Jesus" blog entry. I'm struggling. I'm struggling badly. I'm having quite a few hang ups here and I guess that I just need to type them out, get them off my chest and then maybe, just maybe, I can start dealing with it. I actually have a couple of issues. Unfortunately when I have an issue, I force that issue full force right on to Curt, which stunts his progress too!
#1. I'm feeling sorry for myself as far as food goes. I start thinking about food that I can't eat and start craving it and by the end of the night, I've gone out and gotten that food. Always. I need to find something quick and easy AND TASTY (very important) and grab it and forget that craving.
#2. So I don't do #1 every day. That said, the thing I struggle with the most... I know that this is something that I have addressed before. But I think that until I have this issue resolved, I'm going to have to keep bringing it up here. I struggle, struggle, struggle with alcohol. My motto is, "If there is alcohol in the house, I will drink." Okay... that's an exaggeration a bit. I have several bottles of wine in the house that I will never drink because I hate wine, and I won't drink "manly" beer, but I will drink "cheerleader" beer (AKA Smirnoff Ice and Mike Hard Lemonade). And of course, my personal, biggest vice, vodka. Bad, bad stuff, but oh so good! Here's my problem... I use (probably abuse) alcohol when I have a bad day, when there is something to celebrate, if we have friends over (good thing), if my mom comes over (bad thing), if I have body aches (which is pretty much a daily thing, considering how much I do physically). Pretty much... I can justify having alcohol every singe day. I was doing really good for a couple of weeks. And then something happened and it just ended. I kinda think it was when we went to Las Vegas, but I'm not sure. Anyways... the past week and a half, I've been AWFUL! I can't believe I can even function the next day. The completely ridiculous part of this is that I know that this is why I put on all my weight to begin with. I put on close to 40 lbs. just because I started drinking alcohol heavily and I'm afraid I'm just going to start putting it all right back on. The past few nights I've been having a rough time sleeping. I'm pretty religious, I just don't push it on here, so I won't be Bible thumping on here. But when I can't sleep, I spend a lot of time praying. And this is something that I've been praying about a lot because I can tell this is something that I won't be able o do on my own. But I am SO frickin' weak... I had a little vodka left in the frig, and I finished it off. And the "poor me" attitude that I have, went and bought another large bottle of vodka because I'm cutting out fabric that makes my back just burn, and I'm on my period so standing long periods of time makes my "under carriage" ache and throb (sorry, that was a bit descriptive). My problem here is that in all honesty, alcohol and narcs are the only thing that do anything to remotely relieve the pain I'm in. And the only thing that I have access to is alcohol.
Ugh... I hate this. I'm in a lose, lose situation. It's frustrating. Any suggestions?
I used to be a major barfly, so I know what you are talking about. I even worried whether I was an alcoholic. Then I had a light bulb moment. About 20 yrs ago (I'm 49, so this was when I was in my late 20's) I was doing a low-carb diet, and when I went to visit my bar a few weeks into my diet, I noticed that I had no cravings for alcohol. That's when I started thinking of alcohol as "sugar in a glass". When I am really doing low-carb for a while, alcohol loses its power over me. Right now I have stout, beer, wine, vodka, and gin in my house. I haven't had the hard stuff in months, and I did have one stout a few weeks ago (instead of breaking someone or something in my home!) To get to that point though, it takes about 2 weeks of low carb and that means no alcohol either, for the cravings to decrease. It may not work for you, but changing how you are looking at the alcohol may make a difference for you. I tend to be a social drinker, but I am a bit obsessive, so I'm pretty good at saying when I first arrive that I'm not going to have any alcohol, and I even say something about that before I go to a friend's house. I did avoid a work function this past week, because I thought I might be tempted. If you can't say no in your house, you're going to have to get rid of the vodka. It's the same as having bags of candy or cookies sitting on the kitchen counter. Take it to a friend's house for the duration, or give it away. Just a thought, have you explored some herbal remedies for your TOM issues?
ReplyDeleteFirst, Jamie, how amazingly brave of you to blog this!!!
ReplyDeleteSecond, AA!!! It saved my daughter's life. Since you are religious you can hand over your weakness to a higher power and overcome it. Ask God for the strength to not drink.
You've overcome a lot, overcome this xoxoxo
Blessings, Sandi
Hi, medium term reader, first time poster :)
ReplyDeleteI think with your first point about food - find your weakness and make it a strength. I have a huge sweet tooth, so huge infact, I would say I had chocolate in some form every day. Now, I mostly do, but in a better way, like the dukan chocolate mousse, or cake, or some other recipe I am testing out. I can make a batch of the mousse have have four large ramakens (or 8 smaller ones) sitting in the fridge ready to be devoured. Find recipes that you can make and ave stored in containers or fridge for instant gratification :D You won't be going backwards then!
On your second point, I am a little out of my depth. I have never been a big drinker and so I can't really help with the need, AA sounds like a good option. I would also suggest going to church. You mention you are very religious and pray at home, perhaps head to a church each week for a few weeks just for that extra support you need and see if that helps. I am also very religious (non mainstream) and find that when I am being tested I draw on the strength of my beliefs by actually being with my gods.
Good luck and I hope you get through this :)
Melliee
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